Long, long ago, a woman called j-peg blew in with the fickle winds of September on her second trip to the place we call Chigagou, an Algonquian word meaning “onion field.” Expecting adventure around every corner and intrigue in every alley, she was unprepared for the onslaught of Peruvians and parrots that annoyed her at every turn.

Valiantly trying to live up to the pirate code of honor and pillaging, she forged on through  the morass of screeching birds and rice-cookers used for science projects.  It wasn’t long, though, before she sensed that her inner pirate was in need of some backup in fighting off the unwashed hordes. j-peg set the eagle beacon a-glow in the northernmost window, calling out to one who would aid her cause. 

As j-peg sought the satisfaction of an empty whiskey glass, Magnum spied that shining beacon of freedom from the wind-swept vales of Ohio. She rose from her outpost in the foothills of Appalachia and was soon riding towards her once-and-future partner in crime astride the North Star.

Magnum alighted from the heavens in the great flatlands of Chicago and a great peace came over the Lawrence Office, for a time. Much revelry was had, many great projects were undertaken, and altogether, the Office experienced an era of unprecedented growth and culture. Truly, this was the dawning of a new age.

However, all things great must be tested, and so too came trials and tribulations to j-peg and Magnum. Increased passive-aggressive actions from the Southern hinterlands of Peru began their assault on all that had been built by the Lawrence Office. Defensive maneuvering failed...guerilla tactics had no chance...passive-aggression in kind had no effect. The outlook was increasingly grim and the women had but one chance to turn the War of Southern Aggression in their favor.

A call was sent forth to the mitteny expanses of the Northeast, where there was rumored to be one who could lend aid to their cause. Missives flooded Magnum’s inbox, and quickly she tried to separate the wheat from the chaff.

There was a lot of chaff.  On and on she looked, straining through mazes of grammatical horror and the barbarous combination of mandolin and Irish tin whistle (I mean, honestly...) And then, just when all seemed lost, when the Lawrence Office threatened to buckle under the strain of battle, a shout was heard.

From over the horizon, backlit by a sunset borrowed from a Hollywood cliché, k$ winged her way towards Chicagou. A great cry arose and k$ descended from the clouds to join j-peg and Magnum in the fight against those who would harm them. By their combined strengths the great menace was forcibly evicted from the lands, and peace reigned once more.

Scarcely had the dust settled when j-peg and Magnum beseeched k$ to join them on a temp-to-perm basis. She accepted to the sound of much rejoicing and the Lawrence Office was once again whole.

In the after-times, the Lawrence Office was blessed with an era of peace and prosperity that was the envy of all who witnessed it. Much of their time was spent engaging in battles of wit as opposed to the battles that marred the history of their great land. As they rode their celestial bikes towards destinations unknown (or more usually, somewhere with a beer garden), they looked ahead toward adventures untold and stories unimagined. And it was good.